An adventure of kindness with a dash of obligation
I was travelling from my home town to Salt Spring Island – a journey of over 1600 km (including a 1.5 hour ferry ride). Across 3 provinces and a change in time zones. In the car were my parents and my dog and me (of course).
Have you ever said yes to something and then had this sensation that this isn’t necessarily the “yes” you were thinking it was going to be?
Have you ever said yes to something because you were obligated to and yet in that obligation you knew it was a kindness to someone else?
That was this yes.
About 6 months ago, my mom started talking about travelling out west to visit my sister and wanting to take dad with her. I was part of that invitation; the energy of obligation and dash of kindness was set.
Yes. I would say yes and help my mom. And now I am here on the ferry about to meet up with my sister and her family and the mist is thick for I really have no idea what things will be like when I arrive.
The journey up to this point has not really been at all fun. Obligation was the main course. My dad, who has dementia and has not travelled more than 400 km away from his home in the last 10 years, is now in a car hanging with my dog in the backseat as we travel to our destination.
The backseat driving and anxiety from my dad was evident. I tried using all my tools to be patient and it was zapping and exhausting me; and I clenched my jaw all through the BC rockies.
How to be patient with the people you love when its driving you f*#$ing crazy?
How to change my energy and expand out when I am clenching my jaw and making a diamond with my face?
I remember the tools of consciousness and every 10 – 20 minutes the tools disappear.
Who am I being? What the f#@k is this Christine? What lies, who’s lies, and how many lies am I aware of and holding onto?
How to choose for me when I am in a car escorting my parents and helping them do what they would like to do – which is visit my sister.
And in all of that… add a dash and a dollop of Covid to the scene. Masks on. Masks on. Consciousness on. Consciousness off. Love you on. Love you off.
And in all of this is my dog – the graceful warrior for kindness, care and contribution. He is a “service dog” for my dad and more so; he is here to help me not lose my mind.
Here are some questions that may help you out… if any of this is familiar to you:
- What have I concluded about this trip that is sticking me?
- What am I aware of here and what power and potency can I be if I allowed myself to be it and choose it?
- How to be kind to you…. even in judgment, wrongness, blame and selfishness?
- And then a flash of “aha” and a moment of insight. Let’s flip this story on its head:
How to be kind to YOU even if …… they judge you.
How to be kind to YOU even if …… they think you are wrong.
How to be kind to YOU even if …… they blame you for your parent’s health.
How to be kind to YOU even if …… they think you are selfish.
HOW TO BE KIND TO YOU… EVEN IF ANYTHING… EVEN IF ALWAYS… NO MATTER WHAT…. I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I… BECAUSE YOU DID THIS… BECAUSE I DID THAT…. WHEN I WAS 6… ITS ALL YOUR FAULT… DELETE DELETE DELETE DELETE DELETE DELETE DELETE.
Its not about HOW to be kind to you.
It is just a CHOICE.
Be kind to you. Be kind to you. Be kind to you. Be kind to you. Be kind to you.
That is it.
KINDNESS for you and no one else. When you are kind to you, you are more able and willing to be kind to others… because there is no resistance, no edge, no pushback. And you are not cutting you off from you. You are 110% your own best friend and THAT can be uncomfortable.
I am ready to be a selfish bitch.
No matter what the push back.
Let the push back wash over and beyond and through so there is no push… it is just flow.
See you on the flipside.